I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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