i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize