FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
