Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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