yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
