you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
