**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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