He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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