I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
