Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
