Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
