God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
