i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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