I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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