last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
