So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
