my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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