My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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