I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
