Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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