I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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