just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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