she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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