I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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