Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
