my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
