george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
