Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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