Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
