The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
