my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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