theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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