her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
True strength comes from lack of pants
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
