Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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