He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
