I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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