My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
