two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
two words...techno handjob
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
