Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
