do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
