I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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