Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
