I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
