Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
