And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
