Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
