why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
