somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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