Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
