I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
